In one sentence: there has been no progress.
On the Progress of My Search for a Girlfriend
In one sentence: there has been no progress.
There are very few applicants, but there are indeed several—at least three, in fact—mostly second-year master’s students. It seems second year is a delicate period…
The applicants before this were basically all frightened away. In the previous article I already said that I merely adopt a very ordinary cool indifference; I would never pretend to be anything in order to scare people off. On the contrary, the so-called methods of frightening people amount to nothing more than laying bare my true characteristics.
Judging from previous experience, applicants are basically not very reliable. Why? The primary problem is that they utterly lack the proper understanding of what “applying” means. It seems they have not read my “interpretation” with even the slightest seriousness.
I cannot help adding some further interpretation here; this time I will try to make it more straightforward and concise:
First, I said that someone applying to be my mm does not need to “understand” my interpretation, and can even skip reading it. But that does not mean my interpretation is unnecessary for the notice seeking a girlfriend. I said that what is analytically contained in the notice are certain conditions, and one of the crucial points is this: you must understand what “applying” and “mm” mean. If you are not even clear about what exactly you are doing, and merely say, “I’m here to apply,” I will not pay any attention.
Since I have placed the “unconditional condition” in a public announcement on Suixuan to the whole world, I can make this promise: so long as you truly satisfy this unconditional condition—that is to say, you really are an “mm,” and you have really “applied”—then I will certainly not refuse. Moreover, I have clearly stated “seeking one mm,” which is to say, so long as I do indeed find one, I will certainly make the notice explicitly cease to be valid.
I never want to be in contact with multiple candidates at the same time. That may increase the odds, perhaps, but it is not in keeping with my personality.
And the reason there are already several applicants, while I have never suspended the notice here, is simple: I cannot confirm that they really have “applied.”
When an “applicant” contacts me, I do not need to ask for any of her information; she may tell me as much or as little as she wishes. I will only ask one question: how do you understand my notice? Or—“what is application?”
Up to now I have not received any clear answer. At most I get: let’s chat first… let’s at least make friends first… and so on. Fine, I can chat with you, just like any net friend who got to know me through my blog; we can chat about anything, and I will answer every question honestly and never lie. But I have not confirmed that you really have “applied.”
I will not predefine “what application is” in any special way. You may offer your own interpretation of this concept on the basis of everyday language; if you want me to interpret it, that is of course also fine, but on the condition that you must be able to understand my interpretation. If you cannot decipher my interpretation, then please give your own understanding. So long as I confirm your understanding, I will suspend the notice (if you want me to), and devote myself wholeheartedly to my relationship with you.
So how can you make me confirm that you really have applied? Two ways:
The first is to let me understand it tacitly in a nonverbal way. For example, through your tone, expression, actions, and so on when chatting with me or meeting me, you can demonstrate in practice your understanding of application. If I grasp it, then I will confirm that you really are an mm who has applied. Of course, this non-rational method cannot be stated in advance; that is to say, I cannot predict when exactly I will be able to confirm it—perhaps the first meeting will be enough, perhaps I will never be able to confirm it.
The second is to use language to explain your understanding. So long as your explanation is based on the everyday language of modern Chinese (you cannot come at me with some language nobody can understand), and so long as it is internally consistent, then I will have no choice but to confirm it. Of course, this method does not necessarily have to turn into an intense philosophical debate. In fact, a reliable person only needs to say a few things, especially ask a few questions, and I can be sure that she really is reliable. For example, after the notice there was a friend called “Yunzi” who raised some questions; just looking at those was enough to make it certain that this person was reliable. If such a person is an mm and comes to apply, basically I do not need to ask much more. On the other hand, for example, the “Girl” friend who later left a comment under that self-introduction post—pardon my frankness—was obviously not reliable: she even said that my notice seeking a girlfriend was very “similar” to something she had done before! Then of course I had to ask exactly in what way it was similar, and in the end I found that aside from both formally counting as notices seeking friends, there was no similarity to be found from beginning to end. With regard to my notice, apart from interpreting it as a notice seeking friends, she seemed not to have understood any particularly important information at all.
Of course, if you say you applied without reading anything at all, I still welcome you; at least on the basis of my “unconditional” promise, I will certainly not reject you. But since you did not read certain important information from the notice, then I must let you understand it through other words and attitudes—I think this is responsible to both sides. I cannot let you approach me under impressions that are completely contrary to the facts, only for you to wake up later, realize you had misunderstood, and then come back regretting it. Although at any time I will let you go without question and never ask for reasons or show any resentment, still, in consideration of being responsible for your own youth, it is better to understand what should be understood as early as possible.
My interpretation has been written long and is hard to read, and it also contains many foreshadowings that will be further developed in my philosophy. I certainly do not expect applicants to understand most of it. But I think at least a few basic points should be understood, shouldn’t they?
The first point, the most obvious one, the one you can understand almost without even beginning to read the main text—is that this notice is absolutely not an ordinary notice seeking a friend! Have you ever seen someone posting a notice seeking a friend and attaching ten-thousand-odd characters of philosophical interpretation? There are plenty of people posting such notices; have you ever seen one posted like mine? If you casually post a notice seeking friends and then say that what you are doing is similar to what I do, then by that logic we both have two eyes and one mouth—isn’t that even more similar? Although “similarity” and “difference” are both relative and have no absolute standard, it is still unpleasant to be regarded as so simple-minded.
The second point is related to the first—the very core idea I raised in my interpretation is “freedom,” or pluralism, or “unconditionality.” One of the most important principles is this: I do not want to find someone similar to me. More precisely, what I value is not the ways in which the other person is similar to me—setting aside some most basic similarities, such as having two eyes and one mouth, and so on—but rather that you differ from me and yet can mutually accommodate and appreciate difference. Of course, I merely promise that I can accommodate and appreciate your differences, but I have not demanded that you must appreciate all my personal traits. However, if your understanding of seeking a friend is to find someone similar to yourself, then I am afraid I am destined to disappoint you—I can indeed accommodate difference, but I often find it hard to tolerate similarity. If you claim to be similar to me in some respect, then I will often have to resist and investigate—why do you say that? Even for things I myself explicitly acknowledge, such as loving wisdom, loving science, and so on, if you claim that you also “love wisdom,” I will by no means simply accept that with joy, because your understanding of this phrase is probably very different from mine! So I must ask more clearly: how exactly do you love wisdom, and in what sense can you be said to be similar to me?
Of course, do not ever think that when I treat an mm in the future I will always be like a disputatious philosopher. If that were really the case, let alone the mm not being able to stand it, I myself would be uncomfortable too. What I am seeking is an mm, not an academic fellow traveler; I know what I am about. The key is just that you must understand this: I am not someone who lightly endorses “similarity.” So long as you do not insist on claiming something, I will absolutely not take the initiative to debate with you. Only when you yourself put forward some assertion, and also believe that the matter is important to our relationship, will I insist on making it clear. Of course, if you find my usual self—silent, honest-looking, and plain as can be—rather boring, and want to occasionally see me eloquent and overbearing, then by all means feel free to debate with me. Even if the argument touches the deepest things (whatever you take the deepest things to be), it will not affect our relationship. You may not be able to make me change my position, but at any time you can make me shut up, and then everything will return to normal.
Without realizing it I’ve written quite a lot. Originally I intended to write only a few brief paragraphs. Ah well, I’ll stop here.
2008-12-17 2:13
aleph
2008-12-18 22:31:21 Anonymous 65.49.2.93
I came up to say that if you want to find me, you can go to twitter.com/ZFC
This site seems like your three letters have not yet been registered. If you want to register them, then hurry…
Also, you need to be more active. This is China, not the West, and this is the modern age, not the age of Dong Yong or Zhuo Wenjun, so boys should take the initiative…
Also, you need to fully trust that the other party is indeed truly applying, because since you do not fully believe in the other person’s sincerity, then it is very normal for her to hold herself back in her behavior as well. If there is mutual distrust, then naturally things cannot go on…
Also, I recommend a movie, The Fox and the Child…
Finally, perhaps I misunderstood what you wanted to express in this article, and that would also be normal, because I am not you…
aleph
2008-12-18 22:33:26 Anonymous 65.49.2.93
I forgot to say, I have to use Freegate developed by the Falun Gong organization in order to access your blog… do you know how hard that is for me…
Peking University’s lousy network….
2008-12-18 23:19:15
I never said I hoped the other party would have no reserve in behavior… that would be too terrifying…
I am willing to trust anyone, but tell me, what does trust mean? Should I believe that she will act according to what I imagine in my own mind? I would not impose my own fantasies on others. My trust in her is, first of all, trust in her as an independent individual not to be controlled by my fantasies; she has her own thoughts and pursuits, and these are by no means things I, as a complete stranger who knows nothing about her, can lightly guess and then rashly judge.
So what I mean by trusting her is that I believe that everything she says to me is sincere, and that I believe the emotions she reveals to me are genuine, not deception or pretense. So I want to ask her: what does your so-called application mean? I will accept that her answers—both verbal and nonverbal—are sincere; that is my trust. So if she herself speaks vaguely and I cannot see anything at all, then what exactly are you asking me to trust?
I also do not require the other party to trust me in any particular way; I only hope that she can trust herself, and be certain of what she herself is doing. Because I can only be responsible for what I do, and cannot be responsible for what she does. If she simply cannot be certain what she wants to do, cannot be certain what she is thinking, then I have no choice but to keep my distance—I am not her parent or mentor, and I cannot make decisions for her. And when I am passive—neither actively accepting her nor actively rejecting her—it will force the other party to make her own decision, and only when facing someone who can autonomously make decisions will I feel at ease enough to take the initiative. So long as I can sense that some applicant is someone capable of deciding for herself and believing in herself, then I will definitely take the initiative. No matter what era it is, boys taking the initiative is common sense.
Of course, asking an mm to possess a considerable degree of free spirit seems to be rather too much to hope for. But since I am “unconditional,” of course that does not include a demand for freedom either. If you are content to be a slave and obedient to authority and dogma, that is fine too. But would such a girl look favorably on me, this philosopher?
aleph
2008-12-19 23:15:19 Anonymous 125.46.31.138
You know that what I mean by reserve is “modesty” or “not taking the initiative to bring up topics”…
A girl, having never met you and not even known you, is willing to apply and come out with you to talk about life and such—that already shows a great deal of sincerity—needless to say, you coming out to keep her company also shows sincerity; perhaps it does, but as a boy that still is not enough—such sincerity is already sufficient to show that she understands what you mean by seeking friends.
And “applying,” in the usual sense, requires a period of contact before the relationship between the two people can be determined—I do not deny the possibility of love at first sight, but love at first sight is very dangerous; it is similar to walking out the door and saying to the first person of the opposite sex you see, let’s get married. So for the first few meetings, do not expect much progress. Because love is a fairly major matter, whether two people get along is not something that can be determined all at once; girls need long-term interaction to confirm it, need time. This is caution, and it is also more responsible.
aleph
2008-12-19 23:31:51 Anonymous 125.46.31.139
Questions like “what does your so-called application mean?” can be set aside. Doing this is not seeking friends; it feels more like a company hiring people—if it feels right, you keep interacting; if it feels bad, then forget it and continue seeking people.
Clearly, every beginning of contact will appear in an ambiguous way, just as you said, “let’s chat first,” because the girls applying are also equally ignorant about you, and will likewise take a skeptical attitude toward the other party as you do. And there will be worry, just as the woman in the tower expressed in ceiling’s latest journal entry worries about life outside.
The first contact requires making the other party feel that you are a reliable person. If after chatting the feeling is still okay, then time, plus some technique, plus some appropriate financial investment, and the matter is done that way; but this does not seem to be something you would be willing to do.
Perhaps your behavior is like Nash in A Beautiful Mind, hoping the other party can directly resonate with your mind. But Nash’s first attempt at striking up a conversation ended with him getting slapped across the face; perhaps I know what sort of girl you are expecting, but if such a girl happened to be on Earth, happened to see your blog, happened to come apply, then I would certainly go straight to church and believe in God.
2008-12-20 00:31:32
So you did not notice the self-evident thing I mentioned—that is, what I posted was not an ordinary notice seeking friends.
I already made it clear, and I will also make it clear to applicants: my application has lacked sincerity from the very beginning. On this point I must always frankly admit it. I say again and again: if I really wanted to find an mm as quickly as possible, then I should not apply in this way.
I have already made it clear, and I will also responsibly explain to potential applicants: I am not in a hurry about this matter.
On the one hand you suggest that I should take the initiative, while on the other you tell me that girls need long-term companionship before they can confirm anything. To my mind, that is contradictory. It is precisely because I take into consideration that girls should need a relatively long period of contact before they can confirm anything that I am unwilling to take the initiative. I do not refuse to first enter into an ambiguous relationship, and I also do not refuse the answer “let’s chat first.” I am only saying that if your interpretation of application is “let’s chat first,” then I will completely accept your interpretation, chat with you first, and will not hastily terminate the notice—because if I terminate the notice, that would be a kind of explicit move, and would probably damage the ambiguous relationship.
I hope you will not understand my attitude as a suspicious attitude toward the other party; what exactly can I be suspicious of? Because as for the girls who apply, they often are indeed merely being very tentative, and if I imagine their application as some very firm choice, then that would probably be an irresponsible fantasy. So if I understand the other party’s act of applying as uncertain tentativeness, I do not regard that as “suspicion.”
As you said, girls need time, need caution, so my not taking the initiative is precisely to ensure that they have enough time to think carefully, rather than rushing to determine the relationship quickly and thereby making things difficult for the other party. Applicants may ask me any question or make any request, and I will give an honest reply.
2008-12-20 08:58:00 Anonymous 65.49.2.152
…
If you want truthful replies, just find any computer; its output will surely be more truthful than yours…
Since you already know that they are “uncertain tentatives,” why don’t you take some initiative to do things that help the other party become certain?
Are you waiting for her to hire a private detective to investigate everything about you and then write a report on whether EPR is an ideal partner? And then after reading the report she says to you, let’s start dating?
The event “you are not taking the initiative” is telling the other party:
either you are not interested in her, implying that she should back off; or you are seeking a nanny…
2008-12-20 10:05:20
You’re still understanding it at a rather off-the-mark level, though it is a very natural kind of understanding.
First, what I want is a reply, not a “faithful reply.” As long as there is a reply, I will take it to be faithful.
Second, how does one proactively do things that help the other person make up her mind? You can think of my “proactively” adopting a negative stance as itself a way of helping the other person arrive at a determination.
Third, she does not need to hire a private detective; any question can be asked directly to me. In fact, that is exactly how it is.
Fourth, on this point you are right: my not taking the initiative is a sign that I am not interested in the other person, and that is indeed so. Since I have “no demands” of the other person, I do not need to ask anything; as long as the other person is willing, she can become my mm. Of course, for applicants who look unreliable at first glance, I am even less likely to feel any interest. Since I am not interested in her, I will absolutely not pretend to be interested in her. All my words and deeds are sincere.
2008-12-20 10:17:58
If someone comes to apply, the first and foremost thing I am interested in is: why are you applying? Or rather, why are you somewhat interested in me?
If her answer is not reliable, I will responsibly clarify it. For example, if she says she is interested because she feels that I am similar to her, then I must remind her: I am afraid you have made a mistake. First, beneath certain superficial similarities, it is quite possible that I am enormously different from you; second, I am confident that I can accommodate differences very well, but I find it rather hard to tolerate people claiming to be the same as me. These are all things I must answer truthfully. In short, if she originally had certain ideas about me, and my answer negates those ideas, then the other person needs to reconsider, and I will give her time to do so. If, after reconsidering, she still insists on applying, then we begin further contact; but if, after thinking it over, she gives up, then of course she is free to come and go as she pleases, and I will not try to keep her in any way.
As things stand now, I have not encountered a reliable answer, and no one is willing to continue further contact with me. That is how it is.
2008-12-20 10:36:10 anonymous 125.46.31.175
Go post it on the campus network~~ there are lots of people there
What matters is not how you and I understand finding a friend, but how the girls understand it…
Likewise, what matters is not what you think should be done or how it should be done, but what the girls think you should do and how you should do it.
2008-12-20 11:30:32
Also, I think you have still never noticed or accepted a point I have said many times long ago:
That I posted the notice in such-and-such a way does not mean I have much expectation of actually finding a mm in such a way. In fact, if I hoped to find a mm as soon as possible, I could certainly take a more appropriate method rather than this one.
I do indeed hope to find a mm soon, but for this series of articles, that hope at most provides part of the “efficient cause,” not the final cause. The purpose in writing these articles is not to find a mm as soon as possible; in fact, I know that the more I write here, the less chance there is that a mm will come knocking at my door.
The purpose of writing this series of articles is my philosophy.
2008-12-20 11:39:55
If you always proceed on the premise that “I want to find a mm as soon as possible through a personal-ad notice,” then of course you can say: I should be more proactive, I should do this and that. But the problem is that what I care about is not this. What I care about first is the philosophical consistency of my notice, not the issue of its effectiveness. I have long known: what I am doing is not only of no help to finding a mm sooner; on the contrary, it is more likely to have the opposite effect. There’s nothing to be done.
2009-02-10 12:02:47 anonymous 116.242.238.96
“Writing this series of articles is my philosophy.” It seems that you have already lived life as philosophy, or philosophy as life.
Dating a philosopher is really hard! This is also the reason why, before, I did not want my other half to take the philosophical road; your place provides a very good interpretation of that…
“I do not want to find someone who is similar to me. To be precise, what I value is not the other person’s similarities to me, but that you are different from me and can mutually accommodate and appreciate differences. Although I can accommodate differences, I often find it hard to tolerate similarities—if you claim to be similar to me in some respect, I will often have to resist and pursue it—on what grounds do you say that?” I think I have many differences with you in other respects, but in this respect we are extremely similar… It seems I’m out of the running, hehe…
2009-02-10 12:05:43 anonymous 116.242.238.96
Time is limited; I didn’t find your mm-application piece. Next time I find it, I’ll take a look at your brilliant interpretation…
2009-02-10 12:37:01
https://yilinhut.net/2008/11/01/2081.html The previous post in the “Talking Romance—Speaking of Love” folder is the one. The current title has become “[Paused][Top status removed][Top 3] Seeking mm~”
You see it very correctly: I regard philosophy as a way of life; philosophy is an art, and its final work is myself.
There are many considerations involved in opening and pausing the mm-seeking. I won’t say more; let’s leave some suspense.
Translated from the Chinese original with AI assistance. The original text is authoritative.
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