Reflections on Revisiting an Old Piece

5,452 characters2007.12.07

Looking back, I can’t help feeling something about those old pieces. Nearly three years ago now (time really does fly), in the discussions on my blog and in the dorm about “the state” (see https://yilinhut.net/2006/01/05/215.html and the several posts before and after it), in retrospect that round of discussion may have seemed like nothing much, but in fact, for my blog and for the development of my thinking, it was a landmark period with far-reaching influence. At that time I was in the process of deciding to take the academic path (there was no fixed day; this “decision” took place over roughly the six months before and after that point), and trying to separate life from scholarship — an attempt at separation that I only announced I was abandoning in the past few months. It was the most important act of self-denial I had ever carried out.

Looking back at the blog posts from less than a month before “the state” — dogmatism and relativism, philosophy and “folk philosophy,” choosing philosophy of science, outlook on life, speaking cautiously and writing, keeping one’s mindset in order, what I want to do, and the QQ exchanges sparked by the piece that never appeared on the blog, “The Greatest Root of Nihilism,” and so on — one can see that this series of posts was hinting that I was then searching for my own position. And what about the blog after “the state”? — precisely that winter vacation, I swept through a great many academic light reads at an unprecedented speed. Though those books were limited in depth, the energy and enthusiasm I had then are things I myself now can scarcely recover. Even now, though I can still occasionally read many books in one sitting, I am certainly too lazy to take so many notes.

Judging from that kind of passion and immersion, I was clearly settling down. Alas, that settled state was far too brief. Not long after the winter vacation ended, I suffered the most devastating blow, and from then on I lost my footing, drifting in a daze for more than a year before gradually finding myself again.

Fortunately, academic positioning has its own inertia; it does not come to an abrupt end merely because the self has been lost. And the reason a long self-denial is possible is precisely because there was first an affirmation, a establishment; if one had never affirmed or established anything, then one would not even be qualified to carry out self-denial. Therefore, if there is a turning point or milestone on my path, it would be those several blog posts about “the state.”

And that discussion, which had the meaning of a turning point, also happened to center on a concept of极其 importance to me: “patriotism.” In fact, that was the clearest position of my high-school years — at that time I had not thought much about pluralism or traditionalism, and my understanding of Marxism was also half-baked; the only thing I could be said to have persisted in with real determination was this “patriotism.” In that discussion about the state, the issue I focused on was: “Where should patriotism be placed?” — What, after all, is the “state”? If the state is merely a “machine of violence,” how can one still love it? So I wanted to make a Chinese-style interpretation of the “state.” Whatever Western political philosophy may say, if patriotism is to be put into practice, a Chinese-style interpretation is bound to be necessary. In fact, this very sentiment of “patriotism” is itself Chinese-style; in Western culture there is in fact no proper equivalent to be found.

But since then, I have also scarcely spoken of patriotism anymore. As for myself, when speaking of the “isms” I adhere to, I too have already set “patriotism” aside. Yet no self-denial has occurred in this. My original attachment and enthusiasm are still there; only now they have to be expressed through new channels. On closer examination, patriotism is mainly two things: on the one hand, some kind of altruism, or even some kind of collectivism, communitarianism, and even socialism; by now I am willing to identify myself as a “Marxist,” and in doing so I retain this aspect of my convictions. On the other hand, patriotism, at root, is love of “home,” love of the “homeland”; so now that I emphasize “tradition” and stress “holding fast to the homeland,” I am extending that other aspect of my convictions. In these two respects — the conscience of society and the guardian of the homeland — this is in fact precisely the basic role of the “intellectual.”

Of course, even if I can argue that my convictions have remained continuous, the replacement of core concepts does after all mean certain turning points; it is the result of more reflection and weighing. Calm reflection does not necessarily wear away passion; on the contrary, precisely because one cares so intensely, one cannot help but reflect continuously. If one gives up calm reflection, then one is in fact giving up concern; what remains is only superstition and impulse. Of course, reflection sometimes has to pay a price, but one is not in control of oneself.

The blog post “the state” as a turning point is also reflected in the fact that it formed a kind of dividing line. The posts after it are, in essence, of the same phase as the recent me; the recent me may still cite those old pieces from that time. Looking at the posts after that point, although they are no longer so familiar, I can still clearly feel that I am reading my own writing. But the posts before “the state,” although I still claim that my views and thoughts are all of a piece, in fact the current me basically no longer thinks of citing them; when I look at them again, I also feel a strong sense of strangeness. It really is as though it were from another world — they no longer feel like my own writing.

Perhaps recently there has again been a new turning point. But exactly how it will turn, and by what it will be marked, will probably only become clear after several years.

Of course, the clearest way would be if I stopped updating the blog for a period of time; then when I returned, the turning point would have been completed. But at present I have not made that resolution, nor do I want to seek a turning point deliberately — such turning points happen beyond my control. One has to wait until the moment is triggered; perhaps really sealing it off for half a year would be rather interesting.

December 7, 2007