Ideal

It seems that the aftereffect of that erguotou was quite something; I no longer know what I’m talking about.

This sort of inexplicable writing was originally meant for Yilin Xiaozhu, but after thinking it over and over, I figured I’d better not make myself split into multiple personalities again—what’s wrong with putting it here?

I’ve always said I’m an ideal realist, or a realist idealist; in any case, I look for ideals in reality.

Ideals detached from reality are empty, or at most can only make you more dissatisfied with reality. They aren’t worth your yearning or infatuation, and as you grow up, these so-called yearnings will leave you.

For example, what is my ideal profession? When I was little, I would have said: I want to be a scientist. But that really wasn’t a true ideal, because back then “scientist” had never entered my reality. The situation at the time was probably like this: I stared at the game cartridges for the Famicom and found them magical, so I asked my grandfather, how could so many games be made into such a tiny cartridge? My grandfather answered: scientists made them. From that moment on, I wanted to become a scientist.

Clearly, that so-called ideal was very illusory.

A real ideal is something you only know at the moment you encounter it.

Damn! That’s it!

By high school I was much more mature, so I didn’t go around imagining, for instance, what my ideal university would be like.

Even if I had thought about that question back then, I still wouldn’t have been able to give an answer.

But once I got here, I could answer:
Damn! This is my ideal university!

Damn! This is my ideal major!

Damn! This is……

That’s how all my ideals take shape.

An ideal thing is not necessarily a perfect thing.

These are two different concepts. A perfect thing is something for me to admire and exclaim over. An ideal thing, on the other hand, is something to long for and pursue.

Damn! What on earth am I talking about?

Right, what does “靠” mean? Does it come from a softened pronunciation of “cao,” a euphemism? Uh… I never swear.

Dammit!

My thoughts lately really need to be sorted out and pondered over carefully.

I’ll go into seclusion for two weeks.

Didn’t I seem to say I’d never go into seclusion again?

Then let’s say I’ll shut down for two weeks……

September 16, 2007

Translated from the Chinese original with AI assistance. The original text is authoritative.