Recollecting something that came to mind in passing when thinking back on childhood, it is worth adding as a postscript. This thing does not count as a deeply memorable “scene,” because my recollection of it now is actually indirect; it is only because I later remembered and spoke of it many times that I am certain it really happened.
From primary school all the way to senior year of high school, if you asked me what I wanted to do in the future, my answer would probably have been: “scientist.” More specifically, in primary school and junior high I was mainly influenced by Olympiad mathematics, so I leaned toward being a mathematician; later, after reading many popular science books on cutting-edge physics, I became more inclined toward being a physicist. In any case, it was not until I was forced, through no choice of my own, to drift into the philosophy department that I began to seriously consider that “being a philosopher is not bad either.”
So if we trace it even further back, in the very beginning of the beginning, in the first and second grades of primary school and even earlier, when I did not even know what Olympiad math was, what did I want to be? — Still a “scientist”; indeed, at that time my answer may have been even more unequivocal.
For some children, their earliest dream is “instilled” by their parents. For example, some parents, wanting their children to sound a little more ambitious when answering other people’s questions, will “guide” them into talking about some lofty ideal. But my answer was probably not induced in that way; it really was something I happened to “form” on my own.
It was probably something like this: as a child, of course I loved playing game consoles, and of course we had one at home too—the “Little Overlord” “red-and-white machine,” the “endless joy” of 小霸王其乐无穷. I always felt it was mysterious, so mysterious. One day I asked my grandfather, “How are so many games loaded into this cartridge?” (roughly speaking) Grandfather hemmed and hawed for a long time, saying he did not know exactly; “in any case, it was done by scientists.” (roughly speaking) And then I learned what “scientist” did, and from then on I “resolved” to become a “scientist.”
What I want to say is that, as for my earliest dream, I actually never gave it up!
Once “dream” was expressed by me in words and concepts, that formalized thing became ephemeral. The concept of “scientist” changed enormously in the course of my growth; if I were still rigidly clinging to the literal declaration “I want to be a scientist,” then perhaps that would instead be a betrayal of my original dream. The key is to penetrate the words and look at what I was really dreaming of in the first place.
Actually it is very simple: I was dreaming of becoming a person who “creates wonder.” When I was little, game consoles seemed wondrous, so I wanted to be the one who made games; later, I felt wonder in doing Olympiad math problems, so I wanted to be a mathematician; later still, I saw wonder in popular science books, so I wanted to be a physicist; now, of course, I have discovered wonder in philosophy, and at last discovered that I also possess the power to create this kind of wonder further, so I want to be a philosopher… So tell me, is my dream constantly changing, or has it remained the same from beginning to end?
Whether it is “scientist” or “philosopher,” or “artist,” “adventurer”… these words are all “labels.” Society will attach a certain label to someone who chooses a certain way of life in order to identify and classify them, and each person can also choose for themselves the most appropriate label to present and promote themselves. But the label itself is not the thing pursued. Those who take the “label” itself as their dream are in fact not trying to obtain the title itself, but the feeling of social recognition contained behind it. What we truly pursue is actually the continuation of an inner feeling, not the fixing of an outer label. In this sense, I have always been continuing my earliest dream and have not deviated from it.
March 31, 2009
Latest Comments
- Em
2009-03-31 17:39:41
The fact is: sometimes labels are precisely the meaning of our existence!
The Earth is so big, the population so large, history so long, and form always exists; we need not evade it, need not indulge in self-consolation, and should only face it! -
Ancient: I don’t know what kind of people you are, but in any case, don’t count me in.
A jar of wine left for a thousand years—so long as the label still says “wine,” then it is a jar of wine. Mm. As for those who do not evade it and yet, without turning back, lift up that wine to drink it, I can only cover my face as well… - Gu Chu
2009-03-31 17:53:31
The eternal form is precisely the fantasy with which Platonists evade reality. The fact is: nothing is fixed and unchanging.
- NKM
2009-04-02 09:41:14 Anonymous 124.205.76.58
Forced to drift into the philosophy department… I feel this so much.
I also feel that labels are no longer as important as I once thought; the feeling behind them is what one really wants. I originally wanted to become a chemist.
In the past, choosing a major was not as free as it is now. It seems that it may not necessarily be worse than free choice; having too many choices only makes people hesitate and lack resolve. Most people’s talents do not make them especially selective when it comes to choosing a major, except for the few who have special abilities in certain areas.
- fog
2009-04-02 09:55:20
to nkm
kick. Is the philosophy department really that bad, that you would actually use “drift into” — don’t tell me your usage of “drift into” is the same as EPR’s
- Gu Chu
2009-04-02 10:50:41
For a student admitted without examination on the basis of winning a science competition, the philosophy department is, in the public’s general understanding, of course a place that is “low” upon “low”… And besides, when we were in high school, we did not have the chance to find out what exactly the philosophy department at Peking University was like…
Translated from the Chinese original with AI assistance. The original text is authoritative.
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