I’m Still Just a Child~!

2,852 characters2007.09.29

That day, during the interview, Teacher Sun said: how come that over your four years in college, you’ve already been studying according to our major, and yet still haven’t settled on a smaller academic direction? I said that these four years of college had already narrowed things down enough. Narrowed down to what degree? I said, isn’t it already determined as “Science Studies”? How is that not narrow? I said that in high school I liked math, physics, astronomy, geography, history, economics, and so on; hadn’t that already been a narrowing? Teacher Sun said that high school doesn’t count; that was still a child’s ideal. I said, hmm, I feel like I’m still a child now……

Actually, to be able to say something like that proves that I really am getting old. Real children, especially those with more of a mind of their own, are often unwilling to admit that they are children. They always hope that others will treat them as adults, hope that others will take their opinions seriously, and always feel, or hope, that they themselves seem very mature. I too still remember that period of time; even just a few years ago, I still took pride in my own maturity……

Yet, as youth gradually fades, when I discover that I really am “maturing,” I instead want to resist it. This resistance is often shown unconsciously—for example, at the time I wanted to find cartoon illustrations to embellish the typesetting; for example, at the time I wanted to emphasize, in “Maintaining the advanced nature of Miyagawa Party members,” the “maintaining” that is more precious than “advanced”…… Yes, maintaining: I was trying to preserve certain things.

I grew nostalgic for the innocence of childhood, its curiosity, its lawlessness, its self-righteousness…… As I contrasted it with the indifference of “the grown-ups,” I came to treasure even more the things that still remain in me.

That day, when I was chatting with that student from the medical school, he mentioned reading Ji Xianlin’s books, saying that many of Old Ji’s remarks seemed almost like those of a child…… He said this might be some sort of “return to simplicity,” some sort of realm of “seeing mountains as mountains……” Perhaps that is indeed so.

We say that philosophers often have a childlike temperament, because philosophy arises from curiosity, from astonishment. We can also add awe, persistence, and so on—qualities that are precisely the things most likely to fade away along with childhood.

Of course, in fact philosophers are not children; as I once said, they are freed from childishness yet remain innocent. That is a realm. And it is a realm that no one can pursue; one can only preserve it.

September 29, 2007