Recent Life Jottings (October 1, 2006)

6,366 characters2006.10.01

Some time ago I was living in a very abnormal way, wasting a long stretch of time again in games and cartoons.

My grandfather’s death hit me very hard. It was the sort of blow that others could not see. Apart from choking up uncontrollably at his bedside when he passed away, I did not cry again when the coffin was laid out, and after I returned to school everything seemed normal. But at bedtime every night, and when I called home every week—only Grandma would answer the phone now; it could no longer be Grandpa… In the past, when I called Grandpa, I actually did not say much: ask how he was, say “everything’s normal,” and that was about it. (I really regret now that I could not listen to more of Grandpa’s stories and his way of explaining things.) The influence of Grandpa’s presence on my life seemed to be nothing more than those few minutes each week, but in fact it was not like that. Grandpa existed throughout my entire life: I knew he was “there,” in Shanghai, at home, thinking of me, waiting for my call… he “was.” I love my family not because I cannot manage life without them, but because they are the support my soul leans on. Now that Grandpa is gone, it will hardly have any effect on my life and actions, yet my heart seems to be missing a piece. At last I have experienced the meaning of the phrase “as if my heart were being cut by a knife”… Some things are accepted in reason, but perhaps can never be accepted in feeling.

After a period of indulgence, everything next must truly get back on track; I absolutely have to get into the right state. Junior year has many important things, and right in front of me there are already plenty of things to do. Especially this year, I must launch a fierce assault on that English thing that has held me back for seven or eight years! I must not only muddle through it, but can no longer just muddle through. English is indispensable even for doing scholarship. Sooner or later I also need to reach the level where I can read the original works directly… Also, both the project paper and the year paper must be taken seriously. I do not want to seek publication too early; winning some “innovation award” or the like is meaningless. As long as I can smoothly secure graduate-school admission, the papers can be published gradually. At the undergraduate stage, I only want to do “land appropriation”: not to build tall buildings at once, nor to dig deep and work in fine detail, but first to spread out my academic interests as much as possible. After the 80,000-word “Ecological Philosophy,” I will then accumulate two more “big” papers (tentatively one on “Science and Religion,” and one on “Philosophy of Science” or “History of Science”)—the word count need not be large, but the topics should be broader, and I should strive for wider coverage of fields, because once I reach graduate school, I will no longer be able to write this kind of large-scale piece. The further along one goes, the more specialized the topics of study become, and the narrower the choice of paper topics. Only now, while still young, do I still have the资格 to write some immature texts.

Last semester, because there were no political theory or English courses dragging me down, and because all the specialized courses were freely chosen, although the two major courses set theory and modal logic were not ideal—both were 3.3, but the lowest score was 3.3 anyway—my overall average still rose quite a bit, enough that I finally climbed to 19th place, which can barely be said to be exactly halfway up the list (out of 37 people)! I also barely gained the qualification to be considered for a scholarship, and in the end I was selected too (I picked one worth 1,000 yuan).

Being selected for a scholarship was not surprising. Out of 19 people, there were 7 scholarship slots, and quite a few people had already won scholarships in the first two years; their chances of being chosen again by classmates were much lower. What remained was a matter of competing for popularity and for rp. What was surprising, however, was that I was even selected as a “Three-Good Student.” I am not really brave enough to accept the title of “Three-Good Student,” but since it was a “democratic vote,” what was being compared mainly was just popularity, after all. That is the problem with universal suffrage, isn’t it. In the end, at the department’s request, the division of labor among the class committee was reformed. The department’s spirit was: let more classmates “get exercised.” So they insisted on replacing the original class monitor and League branch secretary and appointing new people. And as a result, I became the League branch secretary… Personally, I did not want to “get exercised” in this area at all; I would be delighted to step down from this errand. But simply letting go and not caring would be irresponsible, so I can only do it properly…

Some classmates are willing to be cadres, yet they have to be replaced by lazy people like me. Thinking about it always feels a bit improper. I heard that some classmates were also dissatisfied in their hearts (besides the class committee, there are also issues involving the department Youth League committee and the student union). I even heard that in our tiny department there are actually things like power struggles and the like. But I do not take it seriously. In my eyes, those classmates are all adorable and trustworthy, and that is enough. Even if there are conflicts, I believe they can always be handled well; even if they cannot be handled well, they will not cause much of a storm. One’s own problems should be managed by oneself; problems between two people should be resolved within the two of them; problems between classmates and teachers should be handled by the teachers. I do not even need to stand by and watch.

Once again it is National Day. I remember that at this time last year I was riding bicycles with several classmates to Tiananmen to watch the flag-raising ceremony, and then a few days later we rode all the way to the Badaling Great Wall on our bicycles—we spent only ten or twenty minutes on the Great Wall, yet the round trip took a whole day. How interesting! Now, year by year, I am getting lazier, and it seems I am not very likely to suddenly act on a whim and pull off such “feats” again. For example, this year’s National Day may well be spent in bed…

This kind of themeless “miscellaneous note” is very rare on my blog, and I do not know why I am writing it. Perhaps it is to leave behind a keepsake: to record this rare state of mine, in which my thoughts have been in a thoroughly “themless” mess, and also to make a declaration for my return to the proper track from today onward…

October 1, 2006